We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
