It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Randomize
