the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
