Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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