i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
