seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
