I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
