just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
We have so much sex to catch up on
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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