Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
