Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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