I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
