I skipped work to stalk him.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
