Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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