'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
cat food counts as protein by the way
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
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