I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
