He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
