if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
