That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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