Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
Randomize
