I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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