Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
