im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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