Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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