stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
