God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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