My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
where am i from again
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
