tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Randomize
