I wanna bring you to show and tell
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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