I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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