Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Randomize
