I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
