she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
