My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
