I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
