My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Randomize
