He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
