Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
