I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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