wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
He felt like a one man threesome
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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