Hey man sorry I got all grabby
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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