Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
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