Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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