If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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