i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
