Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
