I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
