At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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