I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
