So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
