Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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