Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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