i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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