you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
