I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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