i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Randomize
