What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
