just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Randomize