i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
