Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
