awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
